NEWS!!!

I shall be at this event, hopefully with some new things.....

Love,
Peet! x

Worky worky work!

Currently simultaneously working on both Issues 5 & 6 of Trouser Madness...AND Afro-Horse Issue 2! Wooooo!

Phil...

Homework help!

Had to help #1 son with homework. Needed to do a test print, so decided to have a little fun with it! Obviously his was a bit different & appropriate! Was just testing the formatting! ;o)

Pic I doned fer charidee...

Pic I did for http://www.justgiving.com/just1page

Fortean Tim has been on a sabbatical of sorts..

..but is now back, if not exactly with a vengeance, then possibly a mild rebuke.

Mildly over-excitable biologists were jumping up and down like toddlers on tartrazine yesterday, as they held an international press-conference to announce that they have discovered a previously undiscovered island not previously known about by humans previously.

A panel of evident scientists from different places on the planet fielded questions from journalists, after a slightly over-long presentation fronted by Manny Spleenfeldt, the barely quiet host of  TV's sometimes watched when there is nothing else on after the pubs have shut programme, 'Hey, Nature Guy!'

It was claimed that as many as up to, over and possibly including a million 'not known about by us before we found them' species of flora and/or fauna (plants and animals to the hard of knowing.) may have to be catalogued, and possibly killed and pinned grotesquely in a cabinet, so that some slack-jawed half-wits can gather in a dusty building to gawp and point at their wizened, lifeless remains on a rainy Sunday afternoon when they've nothing better to do.

First on the panel to share their brains with us was Prof. Carrie Ouwte, of The Stu Francis Faculty of Science & Stuff, at The University of Somewhere.  She virtually had a toilet-based accident at the discovery of a new species of Lemon-flavoured Bandicoot that was thought to have been non-existent until last Thursday. 

Unfortunately, we are unable to find the space to quote from our somewhat rambling interview with Ms. Ouwte, due to her use of the adjective 'amazing' a little over 300 times in the space of 4minutes.  However, we can reveal that her final gushing assessment of the situation was,

"It's amazing!"

Martin Fahrtin was almost much more similarly coherent in his response to the discovery of a rare species of ruminant.

The animule in question appears to resemble a Fresian cow, in all but stature and habit.  The badly named 'Leaping Tree Cow' stands 'apparently' less than 8 'inches' high.

Despite this apparent handicap, it is purported to be extremely agile, springing from branch to branch in the forest canopy that seems to be it's 'alleged' home.

"It's funding on a plate!",

relished the young 'Finding out about cool stuff we didn't really know about yet.' post-graduate.

What further astounding secrets will this island paradise give up?

I don't know.

The exact location of the island in the Pacific Ocean, about 40 miles South East of the Cook Islands is being kept highly secret for now, in order to protect it's delicate ecosystem from the ravages of television documentary makers.

But rest assured, any photo or telegenic discoveries are sure to be exploited in any way possible.

An eminent Doctor has finally come clean about a 34 year old hoax perpetrated by herself and her so-called 'husband', back in the alleged '1970's'.

Sally Aldberger, now Baroness Aldberger came up with what seemed at the time to be an almost hilarious fictional ailment after getting 'a bit squiffy' at a cocktail party in Islington.

"My husband, Dennis, had recently read an article in a respected medical journal about a complaint called ' Ukulele Armpit'.  We both thought that it sounded like a wind-up, and decided to try and go one better, as we were young, drunk and had way too much time on our hands!"

The 'spoof' story that the really quite annoying young newlyweds hatched was a supposedly serious research project into the deleterious effects of bagpipe playing.

"It was v. v. funny!", snorted Aldberger with the pointless horsey snigger of the type only the most self-righteous and arrogantly wide-headed know-it-all can muster.

"We wrote a paper,", she brayed,

"..that claimed that the continued suctional (sic) airflow of the bagpipes could actually force the player's testicles to be actually drawn up into the actual body. Actually.  In the long term, we said, this could cause not only discomfort, but actually actual infertility."

Hmmm.

"The amazing thing is..", she unfortunately continued,

"..everyone believed us!"

So, why did they decide to own up to the frankly puerile deceit that was 'Bagpipe Testicles', a made-up falsehood of nearly amusing proportions after all these many years?

"Well, it was only after the story resurfaced at Christmas, prompting a Radio 4 charity appeal to help sufferers of 'Bagpipe Testicles', that we realised our almost funny prank may have gone a bit too far!"

We were informed that the mischievous couple recently wrote to the editors of The British Medical Journal with a formal retraction and apology for their spuriously wrong-headed false claim.

We approached the BMJ for a quotable response,

"Twats.", they said.

Border Security Protection Authority Customs Officer Police Enforcers have revealed that they discovered precisely some illegal stowaways in a lorry-shaped shipment of vegetables.

Border Agency officials became suspicious of absolutely everyone, as this is their function.  Yet one suspiciously suspicious vehicle aroused their suspicions even more than the usual run of alcoholics and smokers trying to lessen the financial burden of their vile, pathetic substance abuse addictions.

For it was, in a large Spanish-registered pantechnicon, which was stopped by an uniformed official of average length, because he believed that the driver looked 'a bit shifty', that up to and including eighteen illegal immigrants were discovered hiding in some crates of delicious, ripe crunchy salad, which would be an ideal accompaniment to some lightly grilled chicken, or perhaps warm chorizo.

Sprinkle on some ground black pepper and grated Parmesan, drizzle with olive oil and you have a tasty lunch or light supper for under a fiver!

Where were we.....?

Oh...yes!

We asked someone who knows what happened,

"What happened?"

The person who it was that answered the question that we asked him, was one Norman Gorman, an official officer of the Border Agency Office.

What happened?, is what it were that we asked Norman.

What happened, Norman?

"Well, when we inspected the lorry, we pulled out a few crates and looked in them.  This is what's known as a 'search'.

When we did that, we lifted up a few lettuces and other miscellaneous salad vegetables, and out they all fell! They were running about all over the shop!"

Norman was in a shop?

We told him that we had assumed that he had been at the ferry terminal, examining vehicles.

"Erm, that was merely a figure of speech.  What I meant was that they were trying to run away in many different directions."

We thanked Mr. Gorman for his clarification, and suggested that in future he might confine his attention to the matter at hand, and refrain from resorting to colloquialisms and other non-standard forms of English usage and just get to the ruddy point!

"Right you are.  We eventually rounded them up, and discovered that they had been hiding on the inside of an hollowed out cucumber, for up to, yet not exceeding thirty-eight hours!"

How can eighteen immigrants fit inside a cucumber?, we asked.

Was the cucumber very large?', we also asked.

If so, did said cucumber contravene European Union regulations on the size and bendiness of produce?, we continued to ask, until Norman replied,

"It was a normal sized cucumber."

Norman continued speaking from his face,

"They didn't have passports, visas or even any form of identity-style documentation, so we don't know who they are, or from where it is from that they originate.  From."

That's as maybe, we actually said back at him, but we still couldn't get our brains round the alleged 'fact' that there were eighteen of them concealed in a cucumber.  We were fairly sure that we would require further evidence.

"Oh, we took photos!", professed Mr. Gorman.

He showed us the photographic evidence in question.

Unfortunately, all suddenly began to come clear.

We pointed out to Norman Gorman that he appeared to be holding a snapshot of a bunch of cockroaches.

"Yes.", he agreed.

"But not a single one of them had a passport!  We can't have all these foreign insects coming over here and doing our honest British vermin out of a job, I mean, where will it end?"

Mr. Madman then thrust a picture of a bunch of bananas under our noses.

"See that?", he ranted.

We strained to make out the image of a small spider, cowering in the shadows, no doubt traumatised by his long and arduous journey.  Possibly frightened, confused, fleeing from who knows what oppressive regime?

We were aroused from our well of maudlin pity by Mr. Gormless, spouting,

"These bloody foreign spiders!  They come over here, stealing the flies from under the noses of honest-to-goodness British spiders!"

We had to stop Mr. Moron there, as when we asked whether, actually, do spiders have noses?, he started to have convulsions and could only be sedated by repeatedly beating himself about the head with a rolled up copy of The Daily Mail.

We asked Ken Libido of the Road Haulage Association whether he thought that the port authorities were being over-zealous?

"I think that the port authorities are being over-zealous.", he said.

Literally two residents of the village of Simpleton in Lincolnshire have blamed the destruction of a wooden-type fence structure bordering their lovely home on U.F.O.s.

Madge and Billy Clement, both of different ages over or about sixty-seven, claim that on or around nearly the 35th of December 2008 as they were returning home in the evening after a hard day's blocking shop doorways and bothering teenagers in the nearly local town of Nuttleigh, they saw inexplicable lights in the darkness.

Almost three other people also reported seeing moving lights on the same evening.

On arising the following morning, the Clements were disturbed to find that the fence next to their property was,

"All busted up.", as Mr Clement so eloquently put it.

"It was those U.F.O.s what done it!', piped up Mrs. Clement.

"Must have been, for definite! There's no other possible explanation!"

Did Mrs. Madge Clement have any concrete evidence to support her assertions?  What were the strange lights what it was that they had seen only just the very evening before their fence went all broke?

"They came down the hill there in pairs, quite low to the ground.  They were white.  It was a bit misty, but I could see them in a long trailing formation, one behind the other.  We didn't see until they'd gone past, but inbetween there were also pairs of red lights keeping in perfect formation, following exactly the contours of the main road.

They're always 'buzzing' us round here.  I can't understand why extraterrestrials would be interested in this area anyhow, I mean, It's the arse-end of nowhere!"

How can Mrs. Clement be sure that this event is of extraterrestrial origin?

"Well, Billy (Mr. Clement.) suggested that the lights might be the moon reflected off puddles or something, but the thing is, every now and then there would be an extra flashing light of an orange hue, and one of the U.F.O.s would break formation and go off in a different direction."

So, what's that got to do with their garden fence?

"Well.  We have discussed the matter at great length and dismissed all explanations that seem unlikely or boring, so the only possible cause we could come up with was that a U.F.O. crashed into our fence and bust it."

The Ministry Of Defence declined to comment,

and so shall we.

A man in Oxford, which by happy coincidence is situated in Oxfordshire has told the 'News reporting community' that he has plans to sue God for the infringement of his intellectual property rights.

Walter Cymbeline, an amateur inventor of things, aged 57, told the news folk that the almighty has been stealing his designs and then fraudulently passing them off as his own.

Was Cymbeline able to provide any examples with which to prove his case?

"I should say so!  I've got drawers full of 'em! Look at this one for starters."

Cymbeline then produced an highly detailed blueprint.  After an awkward silence, our guest reporter Kate L. Prodde of 'The Daily Week' piped up,

"Erm.......it's a tree."

"I know it is!" retorted Cymbeline,

"Because I invented it!!"

Ms. Prodde went on to point out that the date on the blueprint said ©W.Cymbeline 1973.  Surely trees have existed for millions of years?

"Yes, you see? That's the same specious argument that the Patent Office tried to palm me off with!" ranted Cymbeline.

"The trouble is that God is omnipotent and omnipresent and all that metaphysical stuff.

What I reckon he did was look over my shoulder while I was designing my tree, copied it, and then went back in time and then passed it off as his own work!

When faced with those infinite powers, a mere mortal such as myself is at an automatic disadvantage. It's just not fair.  I shall be pressing the Government to introduce some sort of legislation to protect inventors from the frankly unfair business practices of non corporeal deities."

Is it not true though, that......

"Crabs!"

?

"That's another of mine he pinched!  I go and invent crabs, and then what does he go and do? The next thing you know, he goes and makes them millions of years earlier using my designs! It's a bloody cheek, I can tell you.  It's sheer plagiarism of the lowest order.  I'm absolutely fuming!"

Mr. Cymbeline then proceeded to roll his eyeballs in a quite alarming manner, while frothing slightly at the mouth and demanding backdated royalty payments for the air we were breathing.

We would like to thank Mr. Cymbeline for his candid interview and wish him the best of luck in his new secure accommodation.

 

Hello, Fortean Tim here.

Our publisher, Blazing Heretic would like to apologise to all of our reader, or if there are indeed more than one of you, readers, for the extended hiatus of service over the festive period.

This is because of the unfortunate fact that Mr. Heretic has recently fallen victim to the current financial climate, in so far as he worked for Woolworths as well as producing the wonderful pool of weird and wonderful insight and knowledge that is Fortean Tim!

But fear not!

While dear old Woolies may be literally on the scrap heap, our humble offering of strange news from the realm of the absurd shall continue unabated!

Look out for the new posting that is almost certainly nearly virtually imminent, shortly.

A Happy New Year To One And All!  (Except that shifty looking bloke in the corner.......)

Mysterious Footprints Found In Snow.

An hunter in North America claims to have found mysterious footprints that suggest that alongside the infamous 'Bigfoot', or 'Sasquatch' there exists another, possibly related creature, which he has dubbed 'Sasquitch' or 'Smallfoot'.

Carey Managua, of the top left-hand corner of America said,

"Ah found these here footprints whall ah was huntin' gerbils

 in the woods. They're a helluva lot smaller than them Bigfoot tracks, some of 'em bein' barely bigger than mah pinky finguh!'

Mr. Managua then showed us some poorly executed photographs that he claims to have saw, seen, um, sawn? (looked at).

When we pointed out that it seemed to us that it could instead be the slightly melted tracks of a medium-sized bird of the avian variety, he responded to our polite remarks by pulling a really quite alarmingly large semi-automatic weapon that bore a striking resemblance to a gun, and threatened to,

"Blow your goddamn limey heads off!"

We beat a hasty retreat, but managed to purloin the said photograph in the confusion.

We think that the picture will vindicate our sceptical response to the mad, trigger-happy halfwit's spurious claim.

 

The alleged 'Smallfoot' prints.

Severed Foot Mystery Partially Resolved

Police forensic experts in British Columbia have made a breakthrough in the case of a tide of severed feet washed up on the shore recently. They have managed to reunite a complete set for the first time, using DNA technology, even though the feet were discovered on two separate beaches almost nearly more than seven miles apart.

The three feet in question are the only remains of an apparently three-legged man who is believed to have had three legs. Thanks to the wonders of modern supposition, the unfortunate man is rumoured to have been named Jake, and to have been of Australian nationality.

Amazing Feets Of Strength

Clement Weidenfleischer of Schweinfurt, Germany, has entered the Guinness Book of World Records as being officially the man with the smelliest feet on the planet.

After a rigourous testing regime during which the world's most highly respected aromatologists assessed many hundreds of ripe pedestrians, Weidenfleischer stole the show.

Seven officials keeled over before even entering the test room, three vomited, and one tester who actually smelled his feet was overcome by fumes and is now permanently paralysed from the top of the head downwards.

And finally...

Bored scientists with too much money and time on their hands have come to the aid of the insect house at the Cotswold Wildlife Park at Burford, in Oxfordshire, England, just up the road there.

Keepers at the park were becoming increasingly worried about their Giant Centipede, Rodriguez.

Head-Keeper Harry Melons spoke to otherwise unoccupied local news reporters,

"He's an amazing fellow, and one of our star attractions. He's incredibly active and what with all his running about antics, his feet were getting all sore and blistered, but he just wouldn't slow down!", laughed Melons.

So what did the scientists come up with by way of solution to this podiatric problem?

"They used their extensive knowledge of new fangled technology to make him some rather fetching miniature running shoes. He's really taken to them, there's no stopping him these days! His feet are fine now. Better still, they fitted them with velcro straps, so there are no annoying laces for him to do up!"

It's amazing what they can do these days, isn't it?

Many thanks to our roving reporters: Cecil Vessel, Hermione Cabbage, Terry Bendable and Borax Sideboard-Tortoise III Jnr.

A team of scientists in Tokyo have created the world's most expensive robot, according to our source at The Dog & Gun saloon bar in the High Street.

The scientists, working at the Tokyo Institute of Technology have spent the last five years perfecting the machine, said Steve 'Winky' Isham, local plasterer and son of his parents.

"They reckon it's cost in the region of six and a half billion Yen, or roughly forty million of your British Earth Pounds Sterling."

We spoke to Tetsuo Iwakura , the leader of the project to beg the question,

"So what have you been up to lately, and how's it going?"

He didn't actually speak English, so through a translator we managed to garner these barely interesting facts:-

-It are robot, very clever.

-Speak, also chess play good.

-Electric man use plenty home, walk and sit down.

-Make, eat and serve in kitchen time saved.

After we had fired our translator, we found another, English speaking scientist. He told us,

"We have invented this robot."

And what can it do? we asked,

"It is a robot."

Yes, we know that, we agreed, but asked if the robot has any practical applications, such as helping puppies across the road or walking old ladies.

Could it, for instance be used to do things that an human person may find too dangerous, or indeed that they are too indolent to do for themselves?

"It can walk up stairs.", they replied.

Yes, very interesting. Can it also walk downstairs?

"........................Yes."

Can it though?

".............It.......can fall down stairs..."

Surely that's not much use?

"It..looks cool!?", they retorted.

So, are we to assume that the Institute has spent £40,000,000 on a robot that can walk up stairs, fall down them, talk, serve drinks and nibbles, then play a frankly pointless board game? After all, we're sure that most people have at least one notoriously flaky relative who can fulfill a similar role at a fraction of the cost.

Isn't it just a waste of money?

"But it is a robot.", they reiterated.

"It looks cool."

Quite.

An eminent geneticist has discovered that the average modern westerner shares at least 100% of their DNA with a vegetable!, or to be more precise, the humble Aubergine.

We were shocked by this revelation, and we decided to investigate.

We spent literally five whole minutes Googling, and came up with the interesting facts that the Aubergine (Latin name Solanum Melogena ) which is also known in America as the Eggplant (Tsk! I don't know, they always have to be different, don't they? Just look away, they're only after attention!), is closely related to the Tomato and the Potato.

We also discovered that they are those big purple things that they put in Moussaka.

This posed yet more puzzling questions. How can a vegetable be almost genetically identical to an human being?

As our brains started to virtually bleed from the effort of grappling with this conundrum, we decided that it was time to get the real story straight from the horse's mouth, as it were. 

We didn't actually get it from a horse's mouth you understand, that's just a figure of speech.

No, instead we turned to the geneticist who himself had made these bold claims himself............himself.  

None other than Dr. Werner Humboldt. BBFC. Aa. P45.

We asked Dr. Humboldt to reveal the 'science' behind his seemingly outlandish theory.

"Vot's to explain? Eet's a simple fact! After all, Aubergines are humans too, vy should zey not haff ze full compliment off human genes?!"

Did Dr. Humboldt seriously expect us to believe that human beings have evolved from plants, and not apes as we had previously have come to have been told?

"Vot are you talking about?!!"

At this point we sighed heavily and tried to put it another, more simple way.

Was it true to say that he, Dr. Werner Humboldt had indeed claimed that he, the rest of us and HRH Elizabeth II  aka 'The Queen', were in actual and very real fact related to Aubergines in a genetic manner?

"Vot?!! I don't?.............ABORIGINES!! Dummkopf!! Aborigines!! Now get out und stop vasting my time!!!"

It now seems that a small error was made in this report due to a typographical error made, not by me I hasten to add, but by Mr. Kevin Legbente, our alleged editor.

Named & shamed Kevin, named & shamed!! Yes, you know who you are. Did you hear that, Kevin Legbente? Shame on you!!!

Normal service will now be assumed............

News has just come in to the Fortean Tim office that NASA scientists examining data from the Phoenix Mars lander have made some startling new discovery, or something.

I spoke personally to NASA scientist Chuck Stayke, to find out about what they found out about what it's all about.

Chuck, what's it all about?

"What?..........Oh, the lander?!"

Mmm.

"You see Tim, it's like

 this. When we were analysing some images taken by the lander while it was collecting soil samples, we discovered incontrovertible evidence that there is no intelligent life on Mars."

So you claim that you have absolute proof that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, there is no life on Mars -That's official?

"Whoa! Hold your horses there, Tim! I didn't say there wasn't any life! Just no intelligent life."

?

"There may well be life on Mars, we don't know that yet. But if there is, it's definitely not intelligent."

But how can you be so sure?

"Take a look at the picture, Tim."

Oh, ah............................I see. Well thankyou. There we have it, conclusive proof that there is no intelligent life on Mars, and precious little on Earth.

This has been me, Fortean Tim, doing words.

A recent study published by the Faculty of Blindingly Obvious Research at Mandelbrot University in Didcot, England, has revealed that a seemingly harmless pastime engaged in by millions of animal lovers across the globe could have previously unforeseen fatal consequences.

Ever since a nearly publicised incident in 2002, the 3  person team of top scientists, led by Prof. Barry Harrington have been toiling away until almost lunchtime  every single Wednesday to discover the cause of the calamity.

Harrington attempted to explain to us what happened in layman's terms, so that some of our more mentally challenged readers may stand some small chance of understanding,

"Old lady die." He said, making rudimentary mimes and gestures with his surprisingly smooth and well manicured hands.

"Look at picture, head go boom. No more lady." He added.

We explained that mayhaps this explanation could possibly be misconstrued as an example of dumbing down taken a tad too far.

"Terribly sorry," Prof. Harrington continued,

"Please let me rephrase that. In 2002, Miss Lettie Mavvit, a spinster from Byfleet, was found deaded in her home. When police entered her semi-attached  nine up, one down house, they discovered a scene of carnage that would have made even the sternest of heartless sociopaths feel mildly queasy."

So what, approximately, did they find?

"I've got some photos in my wallet, if you want a look?"

We politely declined Harrington's offer, and turned instead to Inspector Victor Vector, of 'The Police'.

Inspector Vector was the officer in charge of the investigation into the untimely death of Miss Mavvit at the time after which it was when was it were she were dead...Ahem.......sorry, I'll try that again.

Inspector Vector was the officer in charge of the death of Miss Mavvit. Oh God! That sounds even worse!!!!  Look, can we just cut that bit and try again?

We asked Inspector Vector what happened on that fateful day. There, that's better!

"Well, when we entered the aforementioned lady's residence, we found that she previously imploded."

Imploded?

"Yas. The body of the deceased was surrounded by scrapbooks full of pictures and newspaper clippin's of cute and often fluffy animules. All the doors and windows was locked from the h'inside, so we was slightly mystified."

We returned once more to Mandelbrot University, to see if the team could shed some light on this macabre story. We spoke this time to Miss Terri Cauler, one of Prof. Harrington's research assistants. Could she tell us what on earth happened to make Miss Mavvit implode in such an inexplicable yet quite interesting way?

"Did Barry show you his photos?", she enquired.

We explained that he had indeed offered, however we had declined as we had recently eaten.

Miss Cauler replied, whilst rummaging through a draw,

"I'm sure I've got copies in here somewhere, they're great! We all got reprints done."

We informed Miss Cauler that we would prefer to hear about the research the team had done into the case, and the cause of this terrible phenomenon.

"Well, after mooching about on the internet for a bit, we realised that there were literally quite a lot of news stories from all over the world, hidden away on the front pages of major daily newspapers. We gathered them all together and began to see a pattern."

She then continued,

"When we cross-referenced all of the data, we found that every single victim was inordinately interested in nature, and particularly cute fluffy little baby animals. They all were in possession of numerous images in their homes of diverse species, but with a preponderance of kittens, often playing with balls of wool, puppies lolloping in an old boot in an enchantingly innocent manner. Lambs, piglets, meerkats and ducklings also featured heavily in their collections."

Just then, another member of the team piped up. It was Christopher P. Ducke, who told us,

"We actually discovered that all of the victims suffered from a disorder that we call 'Obsessively Gushing Sentimentality Disorder', or OGSD. Nobody had ever heard of it before, let alone described it's symptoms."

Is that because you made it up?

"Erm,..yes."

So what are the so-called 'symptoms' of this purported 'disorder'?

"In controlled experiments we showed a number of test subjects a series of images of animals generally considered to be cute, ranging from a tiny dormouse right up to a tottering baby elephant. We then recorded their responses to these pictures."

And?

"They mostly went all dewy-eyed, clasped their hands together and said 'Awww, bless!' "

And did any of the test subjects implode?

"No. But they were all quite young. It is apparent, well to us anyway, that in those with OGSD the symptoms worsen with age, and may not reach danger levels until at least the mid-fifties. This would explain the vast amounts of sickeningly trite ephemera hoarded by victims."

Is there anything that can be done to protect the general public from falling prey to this serious, yet slightly pathetic condition? We tried to ask someone or other from the Government, but they were unavailable to actually do the job that they get paid for, so we asked a complete stranger instead. He said,

"You see, what with the internet, calendars, greetings cards and 'now finally' local television news items, it wouldn't really be feasible to impose a blanket ban on all images of cute animals.

I suppose we could put health warnings on them, but personally I would be in favour of a worldwide cull on cute wildlife, and if my idea were to be taken up by the relevant authorities I should like to volunteer to help out. Honestly, I've got my own baseball bat and everything! I'd be only too happy to oblige!!"

Mad words indeed from a man who cares.

Another Back-of-the-newspaper Doodle...

Fortean Tim is taking a bit long this week, so here is a pic while I keep you waiting!

During recent storms off the Cornish coast, a scarcely remembered legend has once again reared it's vaguely predictable spooky head. This rugged seashore has always borne a reputation for smuggling and rum behaviour of varying descriptions.  The tale in question concerns one Captain Anton Neele, Master of the ship, 'The Strolling Belgian'. A ten gun sloop, 'The Strolling Belgian' plagued the shipping routes off Falmouth for almost four years. (I know, it doesn't sound very much, but I assure you they were long, long years full of hardship and toil and depravity and all that, so let's just leave it at that, shall we?) 

Captain Neele was born to a Mother, and very possibly a Father in 1681, in Helston.  Not much else is known about his early life, which is actually quite convenient as it means we can leave that bit out.

He was a harsh and cruel pirate with scant regard for Health & Safety regulations.

Never one to suffer fools, or indeed anyone, he was often found flogging an errant crew-member morning, noon and night, and often at weekends too.  Not even Bank Holidays could quench his fearsome desire for discipline and loyalty.

Neele's reign of terror lasted but a short time between 1714 and 1718, when he was finally brought to book, not by the authorities, but by another pirate, William Quelch-known as 'Plaidbeard The Pirate'.

Quelch had grown weary of the continual boasting of Neele.

Neele had variously claimed to have 'The Key to Davey Jones' Locker', fought 'The Mighty Kraken.', and 'a small holiday cottage on The Isle of Barra, overlooking the sea, and within easy walking distance of many convenient local amenities and tourist attractions.'

In a final, bloody battle, the 'Strolling Belgian' was sunk with all hands, and possibly some legs and feet too by Plaidbeard's vastly superior 26 gun, 3 lavatory schooner 'The Saucy Nigel'.

As Neele's ship slowly succumbed to the wet, icy metaphor of the cruel, heartless and frankly not very nice sea, he cursed Quelch and vowed to seek him out from beyond his watery grave and exact a quite unprintable revenge upon him.

It is said that every time since that day that there is a particularly convenient storm a'brewin', that the ghostly image of Neele's ship do rise from the waters with a terrible creakin' and a groanin' and a howlin' that would curdle the clotted cream on the bravest of scones!

We asked local fisherman Tom Laudable if he had heard the legend of 'The Strolling Belgian'?

"Yer." He said.

And had Mr. Laudable ever actually seen the ghostly ship?

"Nope."

So what did he think fuelled this enduring legend amongst the Cornish people?

"If you ask me, theym's all a bit soft in the head." He divulged.

"Either that, or theym's bin at the rum rather too much."

Wise words, from an old man who catches fish.

A retired cinematographer has finally put to rest a widely held, and misguided belief about the migrational behaviour of a well- known creature. For years it has been received wisdom that during periodical population explosions, mass herds of migrating Lemons would commit suicide by hurling themselves from Norwegian cliffs, thus committing themselves to a watery grave.

However, the recently published memoirs of renowned nature film maker Clement Weissacher have debunked this erroneous concept.

In this written account of his nearly interesting life, Weissacher claims that a 1958 'film' with which it was what he was involved in, was not - as producer Wilt Dasney maintained - "An absolutely true and accurate depiction of the life-cycle of the Lemon, that isn't faked in any way whatsoever, honest. Really, really."

Instead, Weissacher reveals that the filming of this famous natural history feature, 'What Wilderness?', actually took place in Alberta, Canada, and not in fact in Norway as it seemed in the film.

"It was completely made up!" says Clement.

"We didn't even have access to masses of Lemons," he said,

"We were only given about seven.  We had to use some pretty creative camera angles to make that one work, I can tell you!"

So, how did they manage to make it look like there were vast herds/flocks/droves, or whatever it is a large amount of Lemons are called, launching themselves off the Fjords?

"We had about nine cameramen filming in extreme close-up, and had to just sort of splice it all together. I must admit, although it was hard work, it did look kind of cool in the end."

So how did Weissacher achieve the notoriously climactic cliff-jumping sequence?

"Well, we knew we'd only have one chance to make the footage once they went over the edge, so we set up about forty or so cameras all at different angles-remember we only had seven Lemons- so it was critical that we made that shot in one take."

How did they get the Lemons to perform on cue, after all they are wild animals with little discipline or common courtesy?

"Well, there was a lot of waiting around.  At first they just milled about a bit, grazing and mating and stuff.  Then, after about six hours or so we were getting kind of fed up with it, so we sort of pushed them off with a broom."

So how did they get away with it?  When any half-intelligent person looks in any depth at this story it seems preposterous and falls apart like a cheap shirt made from damp tissues, in it's falsehood.

For a start, Lemons are not even a native species to Norway, let alone Alberta!  They don't herd, and aren't even mammals! And.....erm...............................oh.

This is an editorial announcement:

We are sorry to tell you that our correspondent for this item has obviously made a critical error in his report that was supposed to be about 'LEMMINGS!', Nigel. 'LEMMINGS!!'

Therefore we would be grateful if you would kindly disregard all of the above.  We would also like to assure you that the offending reporter has been taken out and humanely destroyed.

We attempted to contact Wilt Dasney for his thoughts, but sadly he was unavailable for comment, due to prior death.

For years we have all accepted that cardboard boxes are an essential feature of modern life.

Mainly used for storing or transporting various items, they have become intertwined into virtually some of our everyday activities.

Until now, it was widely believed that cardboard boxes were merely a commercial commodity constructed from processed wood pulp.  However, documents recently made public under the Freedom of Information Act reveal an altogether more sinister story.

The top secret government papers reveal that the state-controlled box industry is based on the wholesale slaughter of an innocent, and to most, unknown species of animal.

It is a fact that will be shocking to some, that cardboard boxes are in fact made from cured animal hides.

The strange cuboid creatures were first described by the eminent explorer Hermann Mermann in 1863, during his never remembered expedition to the Yearyte Islands, in the sea.

Bringing home several specimens, it was immediately apparent  to Mermann that he could make himself a fortune by tapping into this abundant natural resource.  Mermann proceeded to set up a vast captive breeding programme in Britain.  Once he had amply swelled the number of his stock, he set about the slaughter of the peaceful creatures, using their left-over innards to manufacture cheap sausages.  He then dried and cured their hides to produce handy containers.

But why was this kept such a secret?

We asked Timberley Farmer, curator of the Clarkson Collection of Archives That No-one Else Has Any Interest In Whatsoever.

"I think that the government of the day, for whatever reason, just thought that the general public at the time, being a bit thick, simply weren't ready to know where their sausages and boxes came from."

She added,  "Even now, some people don't readily like to admit that the boxes that they quite happily used until a few weeks ago are in fact the hollow dried corpses of blameless creatures cruelly exploited by a cynical civilisation .  Some people are switching to alternatives such as plastic, but I can see a looming storage crisis in the near future, as people's ethics collide with expediency solutions for stopping stuff laying about."

The question that worried us, meantime was, "Are sausages still made from cardboard guts?"

Tom Aplomb, of  'The Government' was unavailable for comment, but his Aunt Edith said,

"Only budget sausages, not the good ones."

One man though, is determined to turn the tide on this tale of exploitation.

Tenniel Lambast quit the big time in the city to devote his time and energy to the preservation of these gentle creatures on his 400 acre box sanctuary somewhere in the Outer Hebrides.

The exact location is a closely guarded secret, but Tenniel invited us to take a look around.

"They're such gentle creatures." He explained.

"I can't see why anyone would ever want to hurt them."

They certainly are impressive beasts.  We observed a huge herd grazing, and were forced to ask an obvious question.  "How do they get about?"

After all, they are cubes with no legs or obvious appendages.

"They just roll over." Laughed Tenniel.

"It's quite good, as they can go in any direction. Forwards, backwards, sideways.  They're really very adaptable!" Gushed Mr. Lambast.

It has to be said that the herds of rolling boxes make an attractive and postcard worthy sight, with their pleasant green colouring which is cruelly leached from their cold, dead skin during the curing process, leaving them a pale buff imitation of their former selves.  Yet will this shocking revelation force a re-think of the world's storage solutions?  Will we see an end to cardboard boxes and cheap sausages?

The final word goes to Roger Flebbing, an innocent passer-by and serial shop-user,

"I doubt it!" He claimed.