Sunday, October 14, 2012

Worky worky work!

Currently simultaneously working on both Issues 5 & 6 of Trouser Madness...AND Afro-Horse Issue 2! Wooooo!

Friday, November 04, 2011

Homework help!

Had to help #1 son with homework. Needed to do a test print, so decided to have a little fun with it! Obviously his was a bit different & appropriate! Was just testing the formatting! ;o)

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Fortean Tim has been on a sabbatical of sorts..

..but is now back, if not exactly with a vengeance, then possibly a mild rebuke.

Mildly over-excitable biologists were jumping up and down like toddlers on tartrazine yesterday, as they held an international press-conference to announce that they have discovered a previously undiscovered island not previously known about by humans previously.

A panel of evident scientists from different places on the planet fielded questions from journalists, after a slightly over-long presentation fronted by Manny Spleenfeldt, the barely quiet host of  TV's sometimes watched when there is nothing else on after the pubs have shut programme, 'Hey, Nature Guy!'

It was claimed that as many as up to, over and possibly including a million 'not known about by us before we found them' species of flora and/or fauna (plants and animals to the hard of knowing.) may have to be catalogued, and possibly killed and pinned grotesquely in a cabinet, so that some slack-jawed half-wits can gather in a dusty building to gawp and point at their wizened, lifeless remains on a rainy Sunday afternoon when they've nothing better to do.

First on the panel to share their brains with us was Prof. Carrie Ouwte, of The Stu Francis Faculty of Science & Stuff, at The University of Somewhere.  She virtually had a toilet-based accident at the discovery of a new species of Lemon-flavoured Bandicoot that was thought to have been non-existent until last Thursday. 
Unfortunately, we are unable to find the space to quote from our somewhat rambling interview with Ms. Ouwte, due to her use of the adjective 'amazing' a little over 300 times in the space of 4minutes.  However, we can reveal that her final gushing assessment of the situation was,
"It's amazing!"

Martin Fahrtin was almost much more similarly coherent in his response to the discovery of a rare species of ruminant.
The animule in question appears to resemble a Fresian cow, in all but stature and habit.  The badly named 'Leaping Tree Cow' stands 'apparently' less than 8 'inches' high.
Despite this apparent handicap, it is purported to be extremely agile, springing from branch to branch in the forest canopy that seems to be it's 'alleged' home.
"It's funding on a plate!",
relished the young 'Finding out about cool stuff we didn't really know about yet.' post-graduate.

What further astounding secrets will this island paradise give up?
I don't know.
The exact location of the island in the Pacific Ocean, about 40 miles South East of the Cook Islands is being kept highly secret for now, in order to protect it's delicate ecosystem from the ravages of television documentary makers.
But rest assured, any photo or telegenic discoveries are sure to be exploited in any way possible.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

An eminent Doctor has finally come clean about a 34 year old hoax perpetrated by herself and her so-called 'husband', back in the alleged '1970's'.

Sally Aldberger, now Baroness Aldberger came up with what seemed at the time to be an almost hilarious fictional ailment after getting 'a bit squiffy' at a cocktail party in Islington.

"My husband, Dennis, had recently read an article in a respected medical journal about a complaint called ' Ukulele Armpit'.  We both thought that it sounded like a wind-up, and decided to try and go one better, as we were young, drunk and had way too much time on our hands!"

The 'spoof' story that the really quite annoying young newlyweds hatched was a supposedly serious research project into the deleterious effects of bagpipe playing.

"It was v. v. funny!", snorted Aldberger with the pointless horsey snigger of the type only the most self-righteous and arrogantly wide-headed know-it-all can muster.
"We wrote a paper,", she brayed,
"..that claimed that the continued suctional (sic) airflow of the bagpipes could actually force the player's testicles to be actually drawn up into the actual body. Actually.  In the long term, we said, this could cause not only discomfort, but actually actual infertility."


"The amazing thing is..", she unfortunately continued,
"..everyone believed us!"

So, why did they decide to own up to the frankly puerile deceit that was 'Bagpipe Testicles', a made-up falsehood of nearly amusing proportions after all these many years?

"Well, it was only after the story resurfaced at Christmas, prompting a Radio 4 charity appeal to help sufferers of 'Bagpipe Testicles', that we realised our almost funny prank may have gone a bit too far!"

We were informed that the mischievous couple recently wrote to the editors of The British Medical Journal with a formal retraction and apology for their spuriously wrong-headed false claim.

We approached the BMJ for a quotable response,
"Twats.", they said.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Border Security Protection Authority Customs Officer Police Enforcers have revealed that they discovered precisely some illegal stowaways in a lorry-shaped shipment of vegetables.

Border Agency officials became suspicious of absolutely everyone, as this is their function.  Yet one suspiciously suspicious vehicle aroused their suspicions even more than the usual run of alcoholics and smokers trying to lessen the financial burden of their vile, pathetic substance abuse addictions.
For it was, in a large Spanish-registered pantechnicon, which was stopped by an uniformed official of average length, because he believed that the driver looked 'a bit shifty', that up to and including eighteen illegal immigrants were discovered hiding in some crates of delicious, ripe crunchy salad, which would be an ideal accompaniment to some lightly grilled chicken, or perhaps warm chorizo.
Sprinkle on some ground black pepper and grated Parmesan, drizzle with olive oil and you have a tasty lunch or light supper for under a fiver!

Where were we.....?

We asked someone who knows what happened,
"What happened?"
The person who it was that answered the question that we asked him, was one Norman Gorman, an official officer of the Border Agency Office.
What happened?, is what it were that we asked Norman.
What happened, Norman?

"Well, when we inspected the lorry, we pulled out a few crates and looked in them.  This is what's known as a 'search'.
When we did that, we lifted up a few lettuces and other miscellaneous salad vegetables, and out they all fell! They were running about all over the shop!"
Norman was in a shop?
We told him that we had assumed that he had been at the ferry terminal, examining vehicles.
"Erm, that was merely a figure of speech.  What I meant was that they were trying to run away in many different directions."

We thanked Mr. Gorman for his clarification, and suggested that in future he might confine his attention to the matter at hand, and refrain from resorting to colloquialisms and other non-standard forms of English usage and just get to the ruddy point!

"Right you are.  We eventually rounded them up, and discovered that they had been hiding on the inside of an hollowed out cucumber, for up to, yet not exceeding thirty-eight hours!"

How can eighteen immigrants fit inside a cucumber?, we asked.
Was the cucumber very large?', we also asked.
If so, did said cucumber contravene European Union regulations on the size and bendiness of produce?, we continued to ask, until Norman replied,
"It was a normal sized cucumber."

Norman continued speaking from his face,
"They didn't have passports, visas or even any form of identity-style documentation, so we don't know who they are, or from where it is from that they originate.  From."

That's as maybe, we actually said back at him, but we still couldn't get our brains round the alleged 'fact' that there were eighteen of them concealed in a cucumber.  We were fairly sure that we would require further evidence.
"Oh, we took photos!", professed Mr. Gorman.

He showed us the photographic evidence in question.
Unfortunately, all suddenly began to come clear.
We pointed out to Norman Gorman that he appeared to be holding a snapshot of a bunch of cockroaches.
"Yes.", he agreed.
"But not a single one of them had a passport!  We can't have all these foreign insects coming over here and doing our honest British vermin out of a job, I mean, where will it end?"

Mr. Madman then thrust a picture of a bunch of bananas under our noses.
"See that?", he ranted.
We strained to make out the image of a small spider, cowering in the shadows, no doubt traumatised by his long and arduous journey.  Possibly frightened, confused, fleeing from who knows what oppressive regime?
We were aroused from our well of maudlin pity by Mr. Gormless, spouting,
"These bloody foreign spiders!  They come over here, stealing the flies from under the noses of honest-to-goodness British spiders!"

We had to stop Mr. Moron there, as when we asked whether, actually, do spiders have noses?, he started to have convulsions and could only be sedated by repeatedly beating himself about the head with a rolled up copy of The Daily Mail.

We asked Ken Libido of the Road Haulage Association whether he thought that the port authorities were being over-zealous?
"I think that the port authorities are being over-zealous.", he said.