Thursday, December 11, 2008

Mysterious Footprints Found In Snow.
An hunter in North America claims to have found mysterious footprints that suggest that alongside the infamous 'Bigfoot', or 'Sasquatch' there exists another, possibly related creature, which he has dubbed 'Sasquitch' or 'Smallfoot'.

Carey Managua, of the top left-hand corner of America said,
"Ah found these here footprints whall ah was huntin' gerbils
 in the woods. They're a helluva lot smaller than them Bigfoot tracks, some of 'em bein' barely bigger than mah pinky finguh!'

Mr. Managua then showed us some poorly executed photographs that he claims to have saw, seen, um, sawn? (looked at).
When we pointed out that it seemed to us that it could instead be the slightly melted tracks of a medium-sized bird of the avian variety, he responded to our polite remarks by pulling a really quite alarmingly large semi-automatic weapon that bore a striking resemblance to a gun, and threatened to,
"Blow your goddamn limey heads off!"
We beat a hasty retreat, but managed to purloin the said photograph in the confusion.
We think that the picture will vindicate our sceptical response to the mad, trigger-happy halfwit's spurious claim.
The alleged 'Smallfoot' prints.

Severed Foot Mystery Partially Resolved
Police forensic experts in British Columbia have made a breakthrough in the case of a tide of severed feet washed up on the shore recently. They have managed to reunite a complete set for the first time, using DNA technology, even though the feet were discovered on two separate beaches almost nearly more than seven miles apart.
The three feet in question are the only remains of an apparently three-legged man who is believed to have had three legs. Thanks to the wonders of modern supposition, the unfortunate man is rumoured to have been named Jake, and to have been of Australian nationality.

Amazing Feets Of Strength
Clement Weidenfleischer of Schweinfurt, Germany, has entered the Guinness Book of World Records as being officially the man with the smelliest feet on the planet.
After a rigourous testing regime during which the world's most highly respected aromatologists assessed many hundreds of ripe pedestrians, Weidenfleischer stole the show.
Seven officials keeled over before even entering the test room, three vomited, and one tester who actually smelled his feet was overcome by fumes and is now permanently paralysed from the top of the head downwards.

And finally...
Bored scientists with too much money and time on their hands have come to the aid of the insect house at the Cotswold Wildlife Park at Burford, in Oxfordshire, England, just up the road there.
Keepers at the park were becoming increasingly worried about their Giant Centipede, Rodriguez.
Head-Keeper Harry Melons spoke to otherwise unoccupied local news reporters,
"He's an amazing fellow, and one of our star attractions. He's incredibly active and what with all his running about antics, his feet were getting all sore and blistered, but he just wouldn't slow down!", laughed Melons.

So what did the scientists come up with by way of solution to this podiatric problem?

"They used their extensive knowledge of new fangled technology to make him some rather fetching miniature running shoes. He's really taken to them, there's no stopping him these days! His feet are fine now. Better still, they fitted them with velcro straps, so there are no annoying laces for him to do up!"

It's amazing what they can do these days, isn't it?

Many thanks to our roving reporters: Cecil Vessel, Hermione Cabbage, Terry Bendable and Borax Sideboard-Tortoise III Jnr.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

A team of scientists in Tokyo have created the world's most expensive robot, according to our source at The Dog & Gun saloon bar in the High Street.
The scientists, working at the Tokyo Institute of Technology have spent the last five years perfecting the machine, said Steve 'Winky' Isham, local plasterer and son of his parents.
"They reckon it's cost in the region of six and a half billion Yen, or roughly forty million of your British Earth Pounds Sterling."

We spoke to Tetsuo Iwakura , the leader of the project to beg the question,
"So what have you been up to lately, and how's it going?"
He didn't actually speak English, so through a translator we managed to garner these barely interesting facts:-

-It are robot, very clever.

-Speak, also chess play good.

-Electric man use plenty home, walk and sit down.

-Make, eat and serve in kitchen time saved.

After we had fired our translator, we found another, English speaking scientist. He told us,
"We have invented this robot."
And what can it do? we asked,
"It is a robot."
Yes, we know that, we agreed, but asked if the robot has any practical applications, such as helping puppies across the road or walking old ladies.
Could it, for instance be used to do things that an human person may find too dangerous, or indeed that they are too indolent to do for themselves?
"It can walk up stairs.", they replied.
Yes, very interesting. Can it also walk downstairs?
Can it though?
".............It.......can fall down stairs..."
Surely that's not much use?
"It..looks cool!?", they retorted.

So, are we to assume that the Institute has spent £40,000,000 on a robot that can walk up stairs, fall down them, talk, serve drinks and nibbles, then play a frankly pointless board game? After all, we're sure that most people have at least one notoriously flaky relative who can fulfill a similar role at a fraction of the cost.
Isn't it just a waste of money?
"But it is a robot.", they reiterated.
"It looks cool."