Thursday, December 11, 2008
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
A recent study published by the Faculty of Blindingly Obvious Research at Mandelbrot University in Didcot, England, has revealed that a seemingly harmless pastime engaged in by millions of animal lovers across the globe could have previously unforeseen fatal consequences.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Friday, November 07, 2008
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Work-shy Alan Bendicote was the latest addition to the unemployment figures yesterday after his exasperated employers were forced to dismiss him from his post as a Flange Technician in a cracker factory. It is believed that Bendicote, or “Bendy” as his colleagues unaffectionately knew him, may hold the record for the greatest number of spurious excuses for absence since records began in
1947. His latest excuse for being six weeks late back from a family holiday in Scotland, was that he got his head stuck.
"When he phoned to tell us he had got his head stuck,” said Bendicote's line-manager Roger Lamprey, “We assumed that he meant in some railings, or a small gap or something. But when he finally came back, he claimed that he had actually got his head stuck in Scotland itself!”
Lamprey added, “I know it's a small country, and I've never actually been there myself, but I would imagine that it would be pretty hard to get your head stuck in it. All the photos I've ever seen seem to portray wild open countryside
and mountains, which is what made me suspicious of his explanation. So I referred him to the Manager.”
And what did the Manager of Cranborne's Comestible Co. Mr. Duncan Biscuits make of this strange claim?
"At first I wasn't sure, as I also have never visited Scotland myself, but there was something about his story that didn't quite ring true. We've had problems with this chap before, so I decided to err on the side of caution and bring him into the office to have it out with him.”
And what did he say?
"He claimed that he was crossing the border back into England and his head simply got stuck.”
"Yes, so he couldn't get back in time for work. I asked why it had taken six weeks to get him out, and he blamed the language barrier. He said the Scottish firemen couldn't understand what he was saying.”
So did Mr. Biscuits believe this story.?
"Well, no. That's why I sacked him.”
Mr. Bendicote has had a long history of such behaviour. In 1989 he was fired from a job at The Ministry of Carpet Relations, after claiming 6 months of sick pay for an accident suffered while on a Beef-Tasting holiday in Argentina. When he finally returned to his post 3 years later, his legs had miraculously grown back. On another occasion, Bendicote failed to return from a weekend in Clacton without informing his employer. When he finally turned up after several weeks, he informed his boss that his mother had died and he had been arranging the funeral. It was only when his boss asked, “What, again?”,
that he realised he had used this excuse three times before. He was dismissed on the spot.
We asked for an interview with the inveterate slacker, but he hasn't turned up yet.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Residents of Romford, Essex were surprised last Tuesday evening to see a fleet of U.F.O.s hovering over the town. Strange shimmering lights were seen floating above South Street at about 10:30pm. Several local residents were interviewed at the scene. One of them, local Roof-Worrier Kevin Bevin said,"It was about 11 O'clock, and we'd just come aht of The Old Oak when Vinnie looks up and says, 'Ere wass 'at?' and sorta points at the sky. When I looks up, there's hundreds of 'em sorta just floatin' abaht 'n' stuff.” And what did Mr. Bevin make of this strange sight? "Dunno mate, I was too pissed to care, so I went for a kebab.”Another passer-by, Hayley Bailey (24) was slightly more concerned, "Like, I'd just come out the club, right? and my mate there, Minga, said, right? 'What the **** is that?' and I said like, whatchoo talking abaht? Then I looked up an saw all these fings floatin' around and I fort it wos aliens or summink. It wos, like, really scary and that.” A barely more coherent account was provided by 72 year old Mrs. Phylis Willis. "Well, I was just about to get onto the bus after finishing my Tae Kwon Do lesson, when I saw a group of people looking up. I asked a young lady what was going on, and she said something about strange lights glittering in the sky, but if you ask me, she was probably a bit worse for wear.”
So did Mrs. Willis not see the mysterious lights? "No dear, I didn't 'ave me specs on.” was her telling reply.
"I believe this to be a further example of covert M.O.D. test flights of secret military aircraft.”, said Charles Farles, local conspiracy theorist and probable loony. "The authorities are clearly using reverse engineering to build up a fleet of flying saucers.” He said. Unfortunately, the excitement was short-lived, as the mystery was solved shortly later after it had already earlier have began. In actual fact, the strange craft the witnesses saw, were nothing more than some stray ladies undergarments! A nearby ladies hosiery manufacturers, Tolley & Fumbler, had been loading a lorry with spangly, sparkly, and even glittery party-style panty-hose onto a delivery truck at their nearby depot, when gale-force winds plucked the ladies requisites from the hands of the staff, and proceeded to whisk them up into the air. Ken Blenn, the delivery driver, remembers it all too clearly." One minute they was in me 'ands, and the next, wooof! They was gorn!”
An inquiry has been launched into how this was allowed to happen, and the results will be frankly pointless.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
A 20 year old from Groningen has entered the Guinness Book of World Records as the feeblest man on earth, after failing to fight his way out of a paper bag, Dutch newspaper, de Volkskrant reported yesterday. The attempt was prompted when a drunken bet was made between Martin Van Driever and his friend Theo Koeken at a cheese festival. Koeken, 23, claimed that his friend was so physically deficient that he “Couldn't even fight his way out of a paper bag.” Spurred on by this rash challenge, Van Driever proceeded to climb into a large brown paper bag to prove his friend wrong. However, after 3 hours, Van Driever had still not managed to extricate himself from his papery bondage.
“Even I didn't think it would take him that long, so I phoned the guys from The Guinness Book of Records to see if we could get him in there.” said Koeken.
By the time they had arrived, witnesses had already sprayed the paper bag with water to try and give Van Driever an advantage, but in the end he was forced to admit defeat. One observer noted, “That guy put up quite a fight. He was thrashing about in there for about 16 hours in the end like a landed fish, but he still couldn't get out.”
Eventually the unfortunate man had to be torn from the bag, bedraggled and exhausted.
“I guess Theo was right after all, so now I owe him a beer, as a bet is a bet!”
Koeken finally added, with his arm around his pal, “He's a real good sport, and although I won the bet, he's won a place in the record books!”
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Les Foulkes (32), a fence-leaner from Carlisle, Cumbria, was alarmed when after collecting his photos from the developers, he noticed something a bit rum in one of the pictures. According to Les, “I had kept the photos on my camera for quite a while, as I only get them printed when it's full up. But when I looked at them I saw something that struck me as being a bit odd.”
Les showed the photos to other family members and work colleagues, and they all agreed that they could see a strange shadowy figure lurking in the bushes.
"There was definitely no-one there at the time. We had just gone for a stroll in the garden, and I thought I'd take a photo. When you look at it, and possibly turn it round a bit, and squint, it looks a bit like there's a big hairy man lurking in the bushes. Some people say that it's an optical illusion, but it's as plain as day to me.”
So what, or who does Les think this dark entity is?
"I couldn't say for sure. Perhaps it's the Devil, or a ghost, I just don't know. We're considering moving house, because my wife is irrational with imagined fear.”
Does Les not think he may have just fallen prey to the propensity of the human mind to seek anthropomorphic patterns in inanimate objects in order to find some sense of control over a world that is at best uncontrollable, and at worst really quite scary?
His telling reply gives us food for thought.
"What?” said Les.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Shrewsbury Police were baffled yesterday, when local resident Trevor Clements literally exploded with rage. After a difficult day in which he spilt his tea down his trousers, got a parking ticket, and was also cut up by an inconsiderate motorist, Clements, 34, decided to have a walk in the park to calm himself down. Unfortunately a passing bird, probably a pigeon, made it's mess down his suit. This was the final straw for Clements. Witnesses say that he stood up from the bench where he had been sitting and proceeded to shake his fists at the sky, while screaming obscenities at some unseen entity, possibly God. After his tirade, witnesses, including old folks and young mothers claim that “He went bright red, and then his head literally exploded”.
"It was very messy.”, said Eileen Watts, 73.
He started shouting, and then his head just sort of popped. Poor thing. Of course, it's the children I feel sorry for. They shouldn't have to see that.”
Mary Carey, a 27 year old mother of children added,
"It was horrible. I had just bought the kids ice creams when it happened. There was so much blood in the end, that I couldn't tell what was blood and what was strawberry syrup. I had to throw the ice creams in the bin. The kids were so disappointed.”
So why was this allowed to happen? Why didn't anyone do anything to stop this man exploding his head all over pensioners and children's ice creams?
Eileen Watts has an idea.
"They ought to be locked up.”, she was heard to wibble.
Friday, September 26, 2008
A New York man, infamous for his madcap stunts is planning to break a world record next week when he hurls himself about in a giant purpose built drum. Using the huge device-reminiscent of a massive washing machine- Lemuel Spandex will attempt to break every single bone in his body. At a press conference the crazy fall guy said, “Countless stuntmen have, over the years, claimed to have broken every single bone in their body. The thing is, they only break one or two at a time. What I'm planning to do with the help of this device here, is to break all my bones at once.”
The drum, once started will gradually increase in speed until it reaches a maximum of 3000 rpm. Spandex's body will be hurled about like a child's limp sock, or an old man's pants being buffeted and slammed into the metal walls of his gargantuan 'Scary-Go-Round'. There were many questions from concerned journalists. One asked, “Isn't it a bit dangerous?”, to which Spandex nonchalantly replied, “Hell yes.” He went on to explain, “People just don't realise how hard it is to achieve. The biggest problem is how to break the bones of my inner ear. Those fellers are pretty hard to get at!” So how will he get around that? “My technicians have designed a special mp3 player to play death metal at 30,000 decibels, so that should help.”
One final questioner inquired, “Do you not think this is really quite an insanely hazardous thing to do?” Spandex's reply was a simple, “Yes Ma'am.”
But you're not worried?”
"But you might die.”
To a hushed room, the simple reply of the frankly bonkers Lemuel Spandex was, “I hadn't thought of that.”
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
Self-styled 'extraterrestrialist' Clement Waster, at a recent press-conference in London, England, has claimed that he has conclusive evidence of an alien presence within our midst. Waster is quoted as saying, “I have firm photographic evidence of an insidious extraterrestrial plot to take over the planet, using the fashion and possibly music industries as a cover. Who knows, within a few years it may even have spread to soft furnishings?” For years, Waster has been gathering press clippings and magazine articles featuring images of models and celebrities which he maintains show clearly 'extraterrestrialistic physiognomy'. Can he provide any examples? He seems to think so, and has claimed that Kate Moss is almost certainly an alien.
“Just look at her eyes,” he said. “From certain angles they seem to be about a foot apart. That can't be right!” Such celebrities as David Bowie also come under fire in Waster's novel theory. “Bowie's definitely an alien. He virtually flaunted it in Nicolas Roeg's 1976 film 'The Man Who Fell To Earth.'!”
According to Clement Waster, these 'aliens' tend to exhibit certain physical characteristics. “They seem to have preternaturally thin physiques, especially their legs. They also seem to possess eyes that are too large, or too far apart, and strangely prominent cheekbones. Another celebrity singled out for alleged
extraterrestrialism is TV's Noel Fielding, of 'The Mighty Boosh'.
“He's most certainly one, and it gives me the willies!” said Waster. When asked if Russell Brand was an alien, however, he replied- “No. Not Russell. He's just a tit. Granted, he has very thin legs, but that is mere coincidence. There's a huge difference between an alien and a prat with thin legs.”
What is the solution to this threat then? Does Mr. Waster have any advice on how to combat this threat to our global security? Indeed he does.
“I think that the only thing it is possible to do at this juncture, is to put our confidence into the capable hands of Noel Edmonds and simply hope for the best. If all else fails, we may need to call in David Icke.”