Work-shy Alan Bendicote was the latest addition to the unemployment figures yesterday after his exasperated employers were forced to dismiss him from his post as a Flange Technician in a cracker factory. It is believed that Bendicote, or “Bendy” as his colleagues unaffectionately knew him, may hold the record for the greatest number of spurious excuses for absence since records began in 

1947. His latest excuse for being six weeks late back from a family holiday in Scotland, was that he got his head stuck.

"When he  phoned to tell us he had got his head stuck,” said Bendicote's line-manager Roger Lamprey, “We assumed that he meant in some railings, or a small gap or something.  But when he finally came back, he claimed that he had actually got his head stuck in Scotland itself!”

Lamprey added, “I know it's a small country, and I've never actually been there myself, but I would imagine that it would be pretty hard to get your head stuck in it.  All the photos I've ever seen seem to portray wild open countryside

and mountains, which is what made me suspicious of his explanation.  So I referred him to the Manager.”

And what did the Manager of Cranborne's Comestible Co. Mr. Duncan Biscuits make of this strange claim?

"At first I wasn't sure, as I also have never visited Scotland myself, but there was something about his story that didn't quite ring true.  We've had problems with this chap before, so I decided to err on the side of caution and bring him into the office to have it out with him.”

And what did he say?

"He claimed that he was crossing the border back into England and his head simply got stuck.”

"In Scotland?”

"Yes, so he couldn't get back in time for work.  I asked why it had taken six weeks to get him out, and he blamed the language barrier.  He said the Scottish firemen couldn't understand what he was saying.”

So did Mr. Biscuits believe this story.?

"Well, no.  That's why I sacked him.”

Mr. Bendicote has had a long history of such behaviour.  In 1989 he was fired from a job at The Ministry of Carpet Relations, after claiming 6 months of sick pay for an accident suffered while on a Beef-Tasting holiday in Argentina.  When he finally returned to his post 3 years later, his legs had miraculously grown back. On another occasion, Bendicote failed to return from a weekend in Clacton without informing his employer.  When he finally turned up after several weeks, he informed his boss that his mother had died and he had been arranging the funeral.  It was only when his boss asked, “What, again?”, 

that he realised he had used this excuse three times before.  He was dismissed on the spot.

We asked for an interview with the inveterate slacker, but he hasn't turned up yet.