Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Shrewsbury Police were baffled yesterday, when local resident Trevor Clements literally exploded with rage. After a difficult day in which he spilt his tea down his trousers, got a parking ticket, and was also cut up by an inconsiderate motorist, Clements, 34, decided to have a walk in the park to calm himself down. Unfortunately a passing bird, probably a pigeon, made it's mess down his suit. This was the final straw for Clements. Witnesses say that he stood up from the bench where he had been sitting and proceeded to shake his fists at the sky, while screaming obscenities at some unseen entity, possibly God. After his tirade, witnesses, including old folks and young mothers claim that “He went bright red, and then his head literally exploded”.
"It was very messy.”, said Eileen Watts, 73.
He started shouting, and then his head just sort of popped. Poor thing. Of course, it's the children I feel sorry for. They shouldn't have to see that.”
Mary Carey, a 27 year old mother of children added,
"It was horrible. I had just bought the kids ice creams when it happened. There was so much blood in the end, that I couldn't tell what was blood and what was strawberry syrup. I had to throw the ice creams in the bin. The kids were so disappointed.”
So why was this allowed to happen? Why didn't anyone do anything to stop this man exploding his head all over pensioners and children's ice creams?
Eileen Watts has an idea.
"They ought to be locked up.”, she was heard to wibble.
Friday, September 26, 2008
A New York man, infamous for his madcap stunts is planning to break a world record next week when he hurls himself about in a giant purpose built drum. Using the huge device-reminiscent of a massive washing machine- Lemuel Spandex will attempt to break every single bone in his body. At a press conference the crazy fall guy said, “Countless stuntmen have, over the years, claimed to have broken every single bone in their body. The thing is, they only break one or two at a time. What I'm planning to do with the help of this device here, is to break all my bones at once.”
The drum, once started will gradually increase in speed until it reaches a maximum of 3000 rpm. Spandex's body will be hurled about like a child's limp sock, or an old man's pants being buffeted and slammed into the metal walls of his gargantuan 'Scary-Go-Round'. There were many questions from concerned journalists. One asked, “Isn't it a bit dangerous?”, to which Spandex nonchalantly replied, “Hell yes.” He went on to explain, “People just don't realise how hard it is to achieve. The biggest problem is how to break the bones of my inner ear. Those fellers are pretty hard to get at!” So how will he get around that? “My technicians have designed a special mp3 player to play death metal at 30,000 decibels, so that should help.”
One final questioner inquired, “Do you not think this is really quite an insanely hazardous thing to do?” Spandex's reply was a simple, “Yes Ma'am.”
But you're not worried?”
"But you might die.”
To a hushed room, the simple reply of the frankly bonkers Lemuel Spandex was, “I hadn't thought of that.”
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
Self-styled 'extraterrestrialist' Clement Waster, at a recent press-conference in London, England, has claimed that he has conclusive evidence of an alien presence within our midst. Waster is quoted as saying, “I have firm photographic evidence of an insidious extraterrestrial plot to take over the planet, using the fashion and possibly music industries as a cover. Who knows, within a few years it may even have spread to soft furnishings?” For years, Waster has been gathering press clippings and magazine articles featuring images of models and celebrities which he maintains show clearly 'extraterrestrialistic physiognomy'. Can he provide any examples? He seems to think so, and has claimed that Kate Moss is almost certainly an alien.
“Just look at her eyes,” he said. “From certain angles they seem to be about a foot apart. That can't be right!” Such celebrities as David Bowie also come under fire in Waster's novel theory. “Bowie's definitely an alien. He virtually flaunted it in Nicolas Roeg's 1976 film 'The Man Who Fell To Earth.'!”
According to Clement Waster, these 'aliens' tend to exhibit certain physical characteristics. “They seem to have preternaturally thin physiques, especially their legs. They also seem to possess eyes that are too large, or too far apart, and strangely prominent cheekbones. Another celebrity singled out for alleged
extraterrestrialism is TV's Noel Fielding, of 'The Mighty Boosh'.
“He's most certainly one, and it gives me the willies!” said Waster. When asked if Russell Brand was an alien, however, he replied- “No. Not Russell. He's just a tit. Granted, he has very thin legs, but that is mere coincidence. There's a huge difference between an alien and a prat with thin legs.”
What is the solution to this threat then? Does Mr. Waster have any advice on how to combat this threat to our global security? Indeed he does.
“I think that the only thing it is possible to do at this juncture, is to put our confidence into the capable hands of Noel Edmonds and simply hope for the best. If all else fails, we may need to call in David Icke.”
Friday, September 19, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Tiny frogs stopped me from mowing the lawn.