Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Word of the Weak...

feeble  adj  1 lacking in physical or mental strength. 2 unconvincing: feeble excuses.  3 easily influenced.  ORIG- From OF feble, fleible, from L flebilis to be lamented, from flere to weep. (Yes, I know I haven't had time to work out all the accenty doo-dah guff out yet!!!)

Shrewsbury Police were baffled yesterday, when local resident Trevor Clements literally exploded with rage.  After a difficult day in which he spilt his tea down his trousers, got a parking ticket, and was also cut up by an inconsiderate motorist, Clements, 34, decided to have a walk in the park to calm himself down.  Unfortunately a passing bird, probably a pigeon, made it's mess down his suit. This was the final straw for Clements. Witnesses say that he stood up from the bench where he had been sitting and proceeded to shake his fists at the sky, while screaming obscenities at some unseen entity, possibly God.  After his tirade, witnesses, including old folks and young mothers claim that “He went bright red, and then his head literally exploded”.

"It was very messy.”, said Eileen Watts, 73.

He started shouting, and then his head just sort of popped.  Poor thing.  Of course, it's the children I feel sorry for.  They shouldn't have to see that.”

Mary Carey, a 27 year old mother of children added,

"It was horrible. I had just bought the kids ice creams when it happened. There was so much blood in the end, that I couldn't tell what was blood and what was strawberry syrup. I had to throw the ice creams in the bin.  The kids were so disappointed.”

So why was this allowed to happen? Why didn't anyone do anything to stop this man exploding his head all over pensioners and children's ice creams?

Eileen Watts has an idea.

"They ought to be locked up.”, she was heard to wibble.


Just a sketch I did yesterday.

Friday, September 26, 2008

A New York man, infamous for his madcap stunts is planning to break a world record next week when he hurls himself about in a giant purpose built drum.  Using the huge device-reminiscent of a massive washing machine- Lemuel Spandex will attempt to break every single bone in his body. At a press conference the crazy fall guy said, “Countless stuntmen have, over the years, claimed to have broken every single bone in their body.  The thing is, they only break one or two at a time.  What I'm planning to do with the help of this device here, is to break all my bones at once.” 

The drum, once started will gradually increase in speed until it reaches a maximum of 3000 rpm.  Spandex's body will be hurled about like a child's limp sock, or an old man's pants being buffeted and slammed into the metal walls of his gargantuan 'Scary-Go-Round'.  There were many questions from concerned journalists.  One asked, “Isn't it a bit dangerous?”, to which Spandex nonchalantly replied, “Hell yes.” He went on to explain, “People just don't realise how hard it is to achieve. The biggest problem is how to break the bones of my inner ear. Those fellers are pretty hard to get at!”  So how will he get around that?  “My technicians have designed a special mp3 player to play death metal at 30,000 decibels, so that should help.”

One final questioner inquired, “Do you not think this is really quite an insanely hazardous thing to do?”  Spandex's reply was a simple, “Yes Ma'am.” 

But you're not worried?”

"Hell, no.”

"But you might die.”

To a hushed room, the simple reply of the frankly bonkers Lemuel Spandex was, “I hadn't thought of that.”

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Barry Skankley, an human man of 22 years, has escaped with a mere ticking-off after police admitted that he was going so fast on the M25, that their radar equipment couldn't take a reading. “At a conservative estimate, I would say he was probably travelling at somewhere just beyond the speed of light.” said Constable Malcolm Rozzer. “He just came out of nowhere and then, VOOM! he was gone.  Unfortunately our equipment can currently only clock speeds of up to 150mph, so we had no chance.”  Skankley was only traced when he jumped a red light in his home town of Chipping Norton seconds later. At a court hearing, Skankley said in mitigation “I was bursting for a slash, and I didn't realise I was going that fast, but looking back, the jump into hyperspace did set the alarm bells ringing. Before I knew it, I was home.” This speed freak certainly won't be making a repeat performance though, as he said the experience of violating the laws of time and space have “made me feel a bit weird.” Skankley avoided prosecution for speeding, but was ordered to undergo a Chinese burn for jumping the red light.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Word Of The Wick!

Candle n 1 a cylindrical piece of wax, tallow, or other fatty substance surrounding a wick,which is burned to produce light. 2 Physics. another name for candela. 3 burn the candle at both ends. to exhaust oneself by doing too much, esp. by being up late and getting up early to work. 4 not hold a candle to. Inf. to be inferior or contemptible in comparison with. 5 not worth the candle. Inf. not worth the price or trouble entailed. vb candles, candling, candled. 6 (tr) to examine (eggs) for freshness or the likelihood of being hatched by viewing them against a bright light. ORIG - OE candel, from L candela, from candere to glitter. (sorry-haven't worked out how to do the squiggly accent things, but I'll get round to it!)

Monday, September 22, 2008

Self-styled 'extraterrestrialist' Clement Waster, at a recent press-conference in London, England, has claimed that he has conclusive evidence of an alien presence within our midst. Waster is quoted as saying, “I have firm photographic evidence of an insidious extraterrestrial plot to take over the planet, using the fashion and possibly music industries as a cover. Who knows, within a few years it may even have spread to soft furnishings?” For years, Waster has been gathering press clippings and magazine articles featuring images of models and celebrities which he maintains show clearly 'extraterrestrialistic physiognomy'. Can he provide any examples? He seems to think so, and has claimed that Kate Moss is almost certainly an alien.
“Just look at her eyes,” he said. “From certain angles they seem to be about a foot apart. That can't be right!” Such celebrities as David Bowie also come under fire in Waster's novel theory. “Bowie's definitely an alien. He virtually flaunted it in Nicolas Roeg's 1976 film 'The Man Who Fell To Earth.'!”
According to Clement Waster, these 'aliens' tend to exhibit certain physical characteristics. “They seem to have preternaturally thin physiques, especially their legs. They also seem to possess eyes that are too large, or too far apart, and strangely prominent cheekbones. Another celebrity singled out for alleged
extraterrestrialism is TV's Noel Fielding, of 'The Mighty Boosh'.
“He's most certainly one, and it gives me the willies!” said Waster. When asked if Russell Brand was an alien, however, he replied- “No. Not Russell. He's just a tit. Granted, he has very thin legs, but that is mere coincidence. There's a huge difference between an alien and a prat with thin legs.”
What is the solution to this threat then? Does Mr. Waster have any advice on how to combat this threat to our global security? Indeed he does.
“I think that the only thing it is possible to do at this juncture, is to put our confidence into the capable hands of Noel Edmonds and simply hope for the best. If all else fails, we may need to call in David Icke.”

Friday, September 19, 2008

Commuters on the M4 were alarmed today when they got home and found that when watching the evening news , an amateur cameraman had captured some strange lights on his digital camera. Derek Lube, of Chippenham said “I didn't notice them at first, as I was on a bridge straddling the motorway, and it were sunset, and I were facing west, but when I printed out the photos, there were a strange eerie orange glow which I couldn't explain.”  Several motorists, on hearing this, confirmed that they too had seen a bizarre orangey red glow stretching over the entire horizon as they made their journey home. “I just can't explain it.” said Manny Fenderbilt, a plasterer from Keynsham. “Maybe it was aliens, or an omen from an angry and vengeful God? I can't be sure! Needless to say, strange phenomena such as this are becoming more prevalent every third week on a Friday, and may warrant more in depth research by they scientist fellers.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

No Word Of The Week. Excuse Of The Week Instead!

Tiny frogs stopped me from mowing the lawn.

It's true. I thought I'd make an early start as I'd promised my wife I would cut the grass. When I got out there, there were loads of tiny frogs about the size of a 50p piece hopping about. I have cut it now, as I waited until lunchtime when it was warm and they were all hiding from the sun.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Woid of da Week, Ya lousy bum!

Caffel n : Small bag, usually made from jute. Traditionally used in Sweden for harvesting hazelnuts.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

You deserve a doodle!

I haven't given you a piccy for ages, so here's a little doodle I did last night...

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Word of the Weak...

salacious adj 1 having an excessive interest in sex. 2 (of books,etc.) erotic, bawdy or lewd. from L salax fond of leaping? oo-er! I chose it at random, honest!!

I Came, I saw, I conked out!

Hi, I attended London Underground Comics' Low Energy Day on Saturday, and jolly lovely it was too! A great atmosphere, and I met up with old friends and made some new ones and even sold a few comics. But now I'm tired.....poor old sod!