Self-styled 'extraterrestrialist' Clement Waster, at a recent press-conference in London, England, has claimed that he has conclusive evidence of an alien presence within our midst. Waster is quoted as saying, “I have firm photographic evidence of an insidious extraterrestrial plot to take over the planet, using the fashion and possibly music industries as a cover. Who knows, within a few years it may even have spread to soft furnishings?” For years, Waster has been gathering press clippings and magazine articles featuring images of models and celebrities which he maintains show clearly 'extraterrestrialistic physiognomy'. Can he provide any examples? He seems to think so, and has claimed that Kate Moss is almost certainly an alien.
“Just look at her eyes,” he said. “From certain angles they seem to be about a foot apart. That can't be right!” Such celebrities as David Bowie also come under fire in Waster's novel theory. “Bowie's definitely an alien. He virtually flaunted it in Nicolas Roeg's 1976 film 'The Man Who Fell To Earth.'!”
According to Clement Waster, these 'aliens' tend to exhibit certain physical characteristics. “They seem to have preternaturally thin physiques, especially their legs. They also seem to possess eyes that are too large, or too far apart, and strangely prominent cheekbones. Another celebrity singled out for alleged
extraterrestrialism is TV's Noel Fielding, of 'The Mighty Boosh'.
“He's most certainly one, and it gives me the willies!” said Waster. When asked if Russell Brand was an alien, however, he replied- “No. Not Russell. He's just a tit. Granted, he has very thin legs, but that is mere coincidence. There's a huge difference between an alien and a prat with thin legs.”
What is the solution to this threat then? Does Mr. Waster have any advice on how to combat this threat to our global security? Indeed he does.
“I think that the only thing it is possible to do at this juncture, is to put our confidence into the capable hands of Noel Edmonds and simply hope for the best. If all else fails, we may need to call in David Icke.”