Residents of Romford, Essex were surprised last Tuesday evening to see a fleet of U.F.O.s hovering over the town. Strange shimmering lights were seen floating above South Street at about 10:30pm.  Several local residents were interviewed at the scene.  One of them, local Roof-Worrier Kevin Bevin said,"It was about 11 O'clock, and we'd just come aht of The Old Oak when Vinnie looks up and says, 'Ere wass 'at?' and sorta points at the sky. When I looks up, there's hundreds of 'em sorta just floatin' abaht 'n' stuff.” And what did Mr. Bevin make of this strange sight? "Dunno mate, I was too pissed to care, so I went for a kebab.”Another passer-by, Hayley Bailey (24) was slightly more concerned, "Like, I'd just come out the club, right? and my mate there, Minga, said, right? 'What the **** is that?' and I said like, whatchoo talking abaht? Then I looked up an saw all these fings floatin' around and I fort it wos aliens or summink.  It wos, like, really scary and that.” A barely more coherent account was provided by 72 year old Mrs. Phylis Willis. "Well, I was just about to get onto the bus after finishing my Tae Kwon Do lesson, when I saw a group of people looking up. I asked a young lady what was going on, and she said something about strange lights glittering in the sky, but if you ask me, she was probably a bit worse for wear.”

So did Mrs. Willis not see the mysterious lights? "No dear, I didn't 'ave me specs on.” was her telling reply. 

"I believe this to be a further example of covert M.O.D. test flights of secret military aircraft.”, said Charles Farles, local conspiracy theorist and probable loony. "The authorities are clearly using reverse engineering to build up a fleet of flying saucers.” He said. Unfortunately, the excitement was short-lived, as the mystery was solved shortly later after it had already earlier have began. In actual fact, the strange craft the witnesses saw, were nothing more than some stray ladies undergarments! A nearby ladies hosiery manufacturers, Tolley & Fumbler, had been loading a lorry with spangly, sparkly, and even glittery party-style panty-hose onto a delivery truck at their nearby depot, when gale-force winds plucked the ladies requisites from the hands of the staff, and proceeded to whisk them up into the air. Ken Blenn, the delivery driver, remembers it all too clearly." One minute they was in me 'ands, and the next, wooof! They was gorn!”

An inquiry has been launched into how this was allowed to happen, and the results will be frankly pointless.