Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Fortean Tim has been on a sabbatical of sorts..

..but is now back, if not exactly with a vengeance, then possibly a mild rebuke.

Mildly over-excitable biologists were jumping up and down like toddlers on tartrazine yesterday, as they held an international press-conference to announce that they have discovered a previously undiscovered island not previously known about by humans previously.

A panel of evident scientists from different places on the planet fielded questions from journalists, after a slightly over-long presentation fronted by Manny Spleenfeldt, the barely quiet host of  TV's sometimes watched when there is nothing else on after the pubs have shut programme, 'Hey, Nature Guy!'

It was claimed that as many as up to, over and possibly including a million 'not known about by us before we found them' species of flora and/or fauna (plants and animals to the hard of knowing.) may have to be catalogued, and possibly killed and pinned grotesquely in a cabinet, so that some slack-jawed half-wits can gather in a dusty building to gawp and point at their wizened, lifeless remains on a rainy Sunday afternoon when they've nothing better to do.

First on the panel to share their brains with us was Prof. Carrie Ouwte, of The Stu Francis Faculty of Science & Stuff, at The University of Somewhere.  She virtually had a toilet-based accident at the discovery of a new species of Lemon-flavoured Bandicoot that was thought to have been non-existent until last Thursday. 
Unfortunately, we are unable to find the space to quote from our somewhat rambling interview with Ms. Ouwte, due to her use of the adjective 'amazing' a little over 300 times in the space of 4minutes.  However, we can reveal that her final gushing assessment of the situation was,
"It's amazing!"

Martin Fahrtin was almost much more similarly coherent in his response to the discovery of a rare species of ruminant.
The animule in question appears to resemble a Fresian cow, in all but stature and habit.  The badly named 'Leaping Tree Cow' stands 'apparently' less than 8 'inches' high.
Despite this apparent handicap, it is purported to be extremely agile, springing from branch to branch in the forest canopy that seems to be it's 'alleged' home.
"It's funding on a plate!",
relished the young 'Finding out about cool stuff we didn't really know about yet.' post-graduate.

What further astounding secrets will this island paradise give up?
I don't know.
The exact location of the island in the Pacific Ocean, about 40 miles South East of the Cook Islands is being kept highly secret for now, in order to protect it's delicate ecosystem from the ravages of television documentary makers.
But rest assured, any photo or telegenic discoveries are sure to be exploited in any way possible.

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